Beautiful
by Jayne Dough
Summary: Spashley: After than the shooting, can she ever feel beautiful again? Oneshot. Very mild nudity scene.


They all heard the familiar crack of a gun shot, so loud, so deafening, that Spencer was sure the ground beneath her had ruptured in two. She felt a flash of white-hot, and a sensation that she drooling, but when she looked, it wasn't saliva, but blood that was gushing forth from her mouth. Spencer looked up again slowly, a silence everywhere as everyone stood in stasis, her eyes caught Ashley's as she put her hand to a wet patch on her chest, her hand now caked and sticky with red, a feeling like a bowling ball was resting in her stomach surfaced, followed by some dizziness. Ashley's eyes were so blank with pure unblinking fear, Spencer remembers thinking they were painted on. She stared. Then there was black.

They had moved her home, installed all wires, machines and tubes there, where they really had no right to be. Ashley preferred it this way, the cool, pale, hospital lights, made Spencer's skin look sallow and cold; the lights made her look like a corpse, which was an outcome Ashley still wasn't ready to consider. At home it wasn't a hard task to imagine Spencer was merely sleeping, in her own pajamas with a peaceful look on her face, it looked like this was all just a bad dream she would wake up from at any second.

Paula opened the door to let Kyla into Spencer's room, a bag clutched in her hands. She made a slightly snide look in Kyla's general direction, objecting to the fact that her house was more youth hostel than family home; it was an echo of how harsh she has been in the past. She exited with a small smile. Kyla entered, and Ashley had still not moved to greet her, for a second or two Kyla presumed Ashley to be asleep sitting up, but she very slowly rotated to look at Kyla.

"I brought you some more clothes" Kyla said quietly putting the bag next to Ashley. Minutes passed in silence, then hours. Kyla was glimpsing Ashley's life, an agonising wait for a moment that may never even arrive.

"I could have sworn I saw her move" Ashley says in uncharacteristic monotone.

"But you know she didn't, right? It's not all that likely..." Kyla trailed off, the last part a hushed, embarrassed whisper. Ashley looked for a few moments like the bullet may have hit her and not Spencer.

"She will wake up" She replied in the same unfluctuating voice. Kyla gave a hug to Ashley, admiring her stalwart hope.

"I'm, errm, going to see Aiden, he's been home a week now..." She was met by silence. "Do you want me to pass anything on?" Ashley merely glared as Kyla backed out of the room. "I'll see you soon". Ashley returned to her bedside vigil. Hours later, Clay came in, looking extremely sorrowful.

"What's wrong?" She asked gently. Clay sat beside her, and let out a long and heavy sigh.

"Chelsea lost," he paused to swallow. "She lost the baby." there was silence for a while, before Clay continued, with a brief explanation. "It wasn't the bullet itself. It missed the amniotic sack, and all the important tubes and things, but her body just couldn't cope with all the shock, and I'm so glad she's recovered, but all the stress, the baby just couldn't cope". He cried quietly, Ashley gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Clay, look at the world." she stated quietly. "That baby was the lucky one, it was no bigger than a grain of rice and everyone had already showed it all the love possible. It is better for only knowing love, than coming into the struggle of life, with betrayal, and murder, and lost love. A world where people are persecuted by the colour of their skin, or by who they love. That baby was filled with so much love, and nothing can tarnish that now" She said, coughed awkwardly and turned back to face Spencer.

"I think that's the most words I've heard you say" Clay smiled, and accompanied it with a very small laugh. "If all your speeches are as life affirming I suggest you speak more often" He said, putting an arm around her. Ashley let out a quiet laugh. "You can go and jump in the shower or something if you like, I can watch her for an hour." Clay said quietly, and Ashley shuffled out. Ashley was barely gone twenty minutes before re-entering the room. "You really don't ever want to leave her side do you?" Clay smiled. Ashley shook her head. "I've been talking to her. She'll wake up, she's just not selfish enough to leave you" he smiled, and rubbed her hand before standing to leave. "There's some toast and a glass of juice on the bedside table there for you. Goodnight".

Ashley had become a somewhat permanent fixture of the Carlin household, Ashley had been by Spencer's side for nearly a month in the hospital, not leaving to go to school, or even go home. When they moved her home, Paula had just expected her to come too, and made her a bed on the floor next to Spencer. She didn't care anymore, she just wanted Spencer to be fine, she had given up on anything else. Ashley settled to go to sleep, double checked that Spencer still wasn't awake. She stood over her crying.

"Spence, please, I can't give up on you, I just can't. I need you Spence, wake up. I can hardly sleep without you. Do this one little thing for me please." She leaned into Spencer, kissed her on the head and whispered, "Just wake up". Paula looked on from the doorway smiling. "I promise Spence, I promise I'll never hurt you again, ever. Please God just wake her up, I swear I'll never love anyone else. I don't want to love anyone else as long as I live. You can even take me instead, please just let her live" Ashley pleaded, tears flowing freely.

"Ashley are you ok?" she questioned; Ashley rapidly jumped back into the chair, smoothed down her hair and wiped her tears free with her sleeve.

"I'm sorry, I was just saying goodnight." She explained.

"It's fine, really. Arthur says if you need to talk to him about anything at anytime. You could, Erm, talk to me about something, if you're having difficulty with loss." She said quietly.

"Loss? She's right here." Ashley looked worried. "Is this where you're a doctor, and you know more than you're telling me?" Ashley stiffened at the thought.

"Ashley, it's just very rare for someone to make a full recovery after the first month." She said very slowly.

"She _will_ wake up, she won't leave us in it Mrs. C, she's not that kind of girl." She stated, with a tiny hint of defiance in her weakened voice.

"Goodnight Ashley" was all Paula could say, turning out of the doorway to cry.

Ashley awoke the next morning with a loud, electronic noise, she panicked, thinking it was Spencer in trouble, but it was merely the doorbell. She stirred and sat back in the chair, yawning softly. Aiden walked in the room without asking, it took Ashley a few moments to register who it was. When she did, she was furious.

"Aiden, get out." she stated firmly. He looked at her.

"I came to see her, not you" He said, just as harshly.

"Well we're a couple. So it looks like you'll have to just deal with me" She glared at him, wishing lasers to form in her eyes.

"Yeah, because you were acting real couply at the prom." He said, dripping with spite.

"Fuck you Aiden; you have no right to say that to me. Just because I fell for your little games, I don't like you anymore Aiden, not like that, I was just confused." She stumbled over her words, and finished defiantly.

"You can't look me in the eye and say you're not in love with me." He stated. Ashley merely glared at him, unflinching with eyes wide open.

"Whatever I was thinking before Aiden is not right. We had our chance to make it work, and we couldn't, and now because you're feeling a little nostalgic for an old-fuck, I might lose the only person I've ever loved with all my heart Aiden; All my heart", She was crying now. "I love her, Aiden, and it's just starting to sink in, that no matter how much I can try to stop it, It's too late and I'm losing her, the love of my fucking life might just drop dead, and she'll never know how much I really wanted her. All because of you." She finished, ragged with breathing hard.

"Fuck you; you can't put this on me. It takes two to tango." He said, glaring with rage.

" Three's a crowd Aiden, so get the fuck out" she screamed the last part with pure rage, and hurled the empty glass next to her, at him, it smashed beside the door, and he turned and limped out.

Ashley began to sob, heart wrenching loud, and painful sobs. She had finally cracked. It lasted for what felt like a lifetime, but then she felt it. Something squeezed her hand. She jerked her head up so fast it clicked, but Spencer was still unconscious. It happened again, it felt as though, every vein in her body was a wire, and they all surged with powerful energy, overloading her brain.

"Spence?" She questioned loudly. Spencer opened her eyes slowly, they were bloodshot and weighed down by heavy dark circles, but Ashley ached from the beauty of them being opened.

"Ashley, are you alright, there was, there was erm, like a gun, or something" she said painfully slowly. Ashley was crying with joy, before she realised what was going on.

"Paula!" she yelled at such volume it caused Spencer to wince. Paula hurled into the room, with such speed it was as though she was blurred.

"What is it? What's wrong? She's not..." She didn't need to finish the sentence, she saw Spencer turn slowly to look at her, looking extremely groggy.

"Ashley, what's going on? I'm scared." Spencer said quietly. Paula sat in the seat next to Ashley.

"Spencer, sweetheart. On prom night, can you remember what happened?" Paula began.

"A loud noise, really warm blood. Ashley's eyes" she said, glazing over in memory. Ashley gave Paula a concerned look, about how much she should remember.

"That's fine, it's actually rare to remember much at a shocking time." she paused, "Spencer, you got shot in the stomach and the chest, the shock and blood loss put you in a coma, but we managed to fix any damage, and the bullets missed most major veins and arteries." she paused to let Spencer take it in. "You've been in a coma for just over a month now, you were moved from the hospital to home just a week ago. Honey you're going to be fine. I need to make some arrangements, I'll be back soon." She kissed Spencer on the head and walked away.

"Erm, Spence?" Ashley said quietly, after a long pause.

"Yes?" she said, equally as quiet.

"Do you remember what happened about Ai...?"

"Aiden. Yes" She said quietly.

"I don't want him. I promise, I just want you." Ashley said, sincerity oozing out of her voice.

"I don't know what to think of this right now." Was all Spencer said in return. "Is anyone else, hurt, or..." she trailed off.

"Chelsea was shot, she's fine and the baby was fine, erm, until the shock made her lose it." Ashley said quietly.

"Oh no." Was all Spencer could muster.

"And, Aiden, he was shot in his thigh, it shattered the bone and he's been in traction, but he seems fine now. And some other kids were hurt, and this one guy died, it turned out it was gangs and one of them owed someone some money. They've all been caught" She added.

"Right" she said quietly. "I think you should go" Spencer said quietly. Not expecting such a dismissal Ashley simply stared for a few moments before conceding.

"Oh. Erm, yeah right, sorry" and she left. She walked downstairs, only to be stopped at the door by Paula.

"Where do you think you're going?" Paula questioned with mock severity.

"She, told me to leave" she said solemnly.

"Look, she needs some time to take it in, she'll see sense. Do you think I'm going to let you stay by her side through all this, only for her to leave you? You're staying here tonight. You can sleep in the spare room." She concluded.

"Thank you" Ashley said coyly. Paula enveloped her in a hug.

"Even God himself cannot deny that waiting by somebody's bedside for that long isn't real love." she paused. "I need to take Spencer to the hospital so she can be checked up on, and have her tubes taken out, and so on. It's routine so it should go just fine, the wounds have already nearly healed, so there's nothing to do there. Just go and get some rest in the spare room ok?" Ashley obliged and turned away, halfway up the stairs, she heard Paula shout "Thank you" and she smiled, treading to bed.

Paula had just brought Spencer home again, it was the early hours of the morning, and everyone was asleep.

"Ashley's in the spare room if you want to go and say hi, I bet she's waiting up for you" Paula suggested. Spencer looked baffled that her mother might be suggesting she go and have get-well sex with her now ex girlfriend.

"Thanks, but I'd rather be on my own, I don't really want to talk to her" She stared in bewilderment at her mother's concerned face. "Goodnight" and Spencer walked upstairs to bed. Paula followed her but knocked on the door to Ashley's room. A faint voice whispered for her to enter.

"Hi" Ashley waved awkwardly. "Is she ok?"

"I knew you'd be up" Paula muttered instinctively. "She's fine, she should even be back on a solid diet straight away, she has no brain side effects, and she really seems ok" There was a quiet nod. "How are you?" she gestured quietly, careful not to disrupt this new found emotional agreement.

"You heard what she said" Ashley said quietly.

"She'll come round." Paula stated.

"How can you be so sure?" Ashley said in a quiet whimper in her voice.

"She will come around; she's not that kind of girl." Paula gave a knowing nod, and a smile. "Goodnight" she added, closing the door behind her.

A fear gripped Ashley, at being an intruder in a place she had recently come to call home. Her biggest fear was that she could only continue communicating with Spencer, when Spencer was unconscious. She gained a few moments sleep, and then arose in the same panic-stricken state minutes later, awaking to the same dream of failing life support machines she had dreamed of recurrently over the last month. She needed to know if Spencer was ok, and so she quickly side-stepped the floorboards she knew to be creaky, and crossed the hall into Spencer's room. She unclicked the knob silently, and whispered her name. When no one replied she took it to mean that Spencer was asleep, a prospect Ashley thought amusing enough to warrant a silent giggle; a girl who had slept nonstop for over a month, was now in bed before her. She gently lowered herself onto the bed as not to disturb Spencer, then quietly lay her head down to hear Spencer's thumping and regular heartbeat, and the familiar rise and fall of her breath.

"What the hell are you doing?" Spencer said, a little louder than necessary for the time of the morning.

"I was just, I err" Ashley pondered.

"Get out" Spencer said, unmistakably harsh. Ashley returned to her room, and began to wish that she had thought of any excuse to make it seem to Spencer like she wasn't practicing some kind of strange lesbian ritual, and just said how she felt. But the time had passed and before she knew it, the familiar ethereal light of dawn crept into the room, until the morning sun swallowed her whole. Another sleepless night had gone by, drowned in thoughts of Spencer. She stayed there all day in that room, she had become and expert at killing time and the prospect of staying in bed all day didn't seem daunting, she even took solace in it.

A creaking floorboard disturbed her at three AM; she could see the unmistakable shape of two shadowy feet under the crack in the door bathed in light. She paused to see if they were coming in, but after minutes of cool waiting Ashley was just about to roll over when the door opened.

Spencer walked in wearing her pajamas and a frown.

"Ashley?" she said, in a tiny mouse like voice that sounded full of pain.

"I'm here" Ashley affirmed. "Come in, lie down" she commanded gently, Spencer obeyed.

"I'm sorry" they said in unison.

"What are you sorry for?" Blushed Spencer.

"About, err, last night, I shouldn't have…y'know, done that. It wasn't like a freaky thing, it was just sorta…" Ashley began, but Spencer finished.

"I know" She smiled, "What you were doing, I mean" She concluded.

"How do you know?" Ashley whispered incredulously, also turning a slight shade of fuchsia.

"Mom said" Spencer replied. "She heard you talking the night before." Spencer nodded calmly.

"Your mom? But how does she?" Ashley stammered.

"She knows a lot more than you think. In fact she's what made me start seeing sense. So I need to apologise. I'm so sorry for being like this with you, I still feel funny from the coma, I'm scared, and I had no idea you'd done all that for me" Spencer smiled.

"Apology accepted" Ashley said quietly. "I was so scared." She said, sadly and tentatively finding her usual place in the crook of Spencer's neck. She let out a long, deep, sigh.

"It was really strange. Sometimes it'd just be nothing. It was like being underwater; and the nearer to the surface I got, the more I'd see, like images. I remember seeing your eyes, and I didn't know what was going on, but I knew that's what I had to do, I had to get to you." She paused, and Ashley's quiet breathing told her to continue. "I didn't know up from down, but I knew, I knew that I had to get to those eyes, I had to get to you. I'd sink, but I just had to get back." Spencer said sadly, Ashley sighed.

"I love you Spence" she said sincerely.

"I love you too" Spencer smiled. A tear in her eye.

"What's wrong? Are you ok? Does it hurt?" She said with such heartfelt concern it was as though she would explode with worry.

"I saw myself in the mirror today. I look like shit." Spencer said sadly. Ashley giggled.

"You look wonderful" Ashley said, so intrinsically happy that Spencer was with her, when forty-eight hours earlier, she was preparing to lose her forever. "You're heart's beating, you look perfect." Ashley added.

"I have these ugly scars. I'm not the same." Spencer sighed. The atmosphere shifted at that point. It became heavy with purpose, as Ashley raised herself on to her side; propped up typically on one elbow. She used her spare arm to walk her fingers across Spencer's skin. Stopping at her collar to undo her pajama buttons. The only sounds were sighs, the quiet rustling of cotton and breathing caught within the chest. She undid the buttons painfully slowly, exposing more and more of Spencer's white expanse of skin and bones with every passing second.

Ashley wasn't sure what to expect, having never seen a gunshot wound before, she was certainly expecting something grotesque. But there it was, less 'staring her in the face' (as she had expected) more, giving her an inquisitive glance. Seeing it there made everything real, seeing that ruptured mass of new white skin made her fall in love again. She fell in love with Spencer's bravery. She gently got the pads of her fingers and dragged them quietly across the scar on her chest. Spencer gasped. Ashley said so quietly it was almost inaudible;

"Does it hurt?" Spencer shook her head slowly, and swallowed hard. She was enjoying every tiny tingling sensation, and didn't want Ashley to stop the only time she felt truly beautiful for what she was. In every gentle stroke of Ashley's fingers she felt pure acceptance. She gasped in the intensity of it all, and Ashley stared at her with the eye of an engraver, making sure every stroke was perfect, pretending her gentle touch would be marred there amongst the scars forever. Spencer was moved to tears by this point, each tingle filling her to the brim with bliss, and manifesting itself into salt water in her pale blue eyes. Ashley stopped, and Spencer's face was visibly crestfallen.

"Spence?" She whispered. Spencer nodded. "You're beautiful. Completely, totally, utterly beautiful. Every inch. Ok?" Ashley said so quietly Spencer strained to hear. She nodded through her watery blue eyes and smiled.

"I love you".


End file.
